Most white people spend a lot more time with other white people than they do with people of color. De-segregating our lives will make a very significant difference – shifting our internalized racism, deepening our learning, creating the conditions for us to be effective allies for racial justice, and enriching our lives.
First, decide that you want a more racially integrated life and are willing to put some effort into it
Motivation
- It’s okay to want a more integrated life just because you know your life will be richer and it will help undo the racism you have inevitably internalized.
- It’s fine to want people of color in your life for yourself. No person of color wants to be a charity case or to think you are just want the relationship to help them.
- It’s okay to prioritize people of color and to make more intentional, thoughtful, efforts in their direction than you do in making white friends. You are overcoming centuries of racial separation, a system that seeks to enforce separation, and a lifelong conditioning of your mind to feel safer with white people (with other people who are similar to you in various ways and share your race).
- You will likely have some distressed motivations, in addition to your good ones. You will likely want to be reassured or feel better about yourself as a result of having more friends of color. It’s not the job of people of color to make you feel better and you shouldn’t ask them to. However, wanting reassurance is only a problem if that motivation dominates and distorts your behavior. Keep remembering your good motivations and commitments.
- You may have some feelings of guilt about racism or about how you benefit from white supremacy. Those are feelings for you to feel and work through with other white people. They are poor motivations for connecting with people of color and generally interfere when you express them to people of color.
- Expect to have to push yourself sometimes.
Move toward people of color – build relationships
- Racism thrives on separation. Building strong relationships with people of color will move our individual racism, increase our understanding, and create the conditions for creating the world we want.
- Move toward people of color at every available opportunity. If you seem to have only a few opportunities, then go to groups, events, courses, etc. where you will have more opportunities.
- Do not ask or expect people of color to teach you about racism. Don’t ask them to reassure you about your goodness.
- Just make friends.
- Your life will be richer and more interesting, the more diverse your friends.
- Even with people of color you think you will never see again, greet them and extend the conversation at least one exchange beyond what’s required to be polite. Every bit of additional connection will help shift things.
- Offer yourself as a friend, rather than asking the other person to befriend you.
Other notes and suggestions
- Having more white people in their lives who like them, respect them, want to be with them, and are trying to undo racism, is not a hardship for any person of color. People of all races naturally want to be connected to each other. Fears and earlier painful experiences can make relationships more difficult, but those are not reasons to limit our expressions of interest and caring.
- It’s important to share about yourself, as well as to be interested in learning more about the other person.
- Don’t try to begin a relationship by conducting an interview in which you pepper the person of color with questions about themselves. It’s fine to start with a question after introducing yourself, but leave space for them to help direct how your interaction goes.
- Hold the perspective that you are a good and interesting person for anyone else to have in their life. It’s true.
- Be generous with your time, attention, energy, etc. It’s okay to do things with and for a person of color that you wouldn’t normally do for a white person. You and the person of color are both up against the history and presence of racism. Extra effort is fine.
- It’s not necessarily racism to behave differently with people of color than you behave with white people. We are often not as generous, thoughtful, or forgiving with other white people as we really would like to be able to be. It’s okay to seek to be your best self with people of color.
- Go for more contact, engagement and involvement with people of color and more friends will follow
- When you meet a person of color that you like or want to engage more with, ask for their contact info and then invite them to have coffee sometime.
- Volunteer for campaigns, committees, projects that have people of color involved.
- Notice what you feel with each step you take, each effort you make. Notice what your feelings are when you don’t move toward people of color, don’t initiate contact, or don’t make an effort to deepen or extend a relationship.
- Use support listening sessions with a white friend to reflect on your motivations, your successes, your failures, how you feel as you try to connect with more and more people of color more and more deeply.
- If you make a mistake, or if a person of color points out something that they object to or see as racism, apologize, if you can. If you disagree or don’t see it the way they do, don’t defend or explain yourself. Thank them for pointing it out and tell them you will really think about that. Then really think about it. There’s a good chance that the person of color is correct.
- Stay abreast of the news related to racism. When you hear a reference to something you don’t know about or understand, ask about it or follow up and learn about it. White people not knowing much about racism and its history is often hard on people of color
- Don’t try to show off how much you know about racism or what you are doing to undo it. People of color do find it easier to be around white people who “get it”, who understand more about racism and are doing something about it, but that will show over time without your trying to establish credibility by advertising it.
- Seek to be an ally, but don’t claim that you are. Let people of color decide for themselves whether they see you as an ally.
- Wherever you go in your life, always move toward the people of color who are there.